Wordless Wednesday: Lame Desserts

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Quiznos Bait and Switch

THE BAIT



There is a reason I seldom eat at "fast food sandwich shops" like Quiznos or Subway. They are just generally foul, toasted or not. I was stuck with no choice recently, and the sandwich on the board outside of the restaurant of a Quiznos looked reasonably tasty, so I decided, why not. Well ... there was a BIG reason why not.

THE SWITCH



In realty, the Pastrami Sandwich, advertised above, was the most foul looking sandwich I've ever seen. When I unwrapped the paper, I couldn't believe my eyes. You are NOT being deceived, here. I received a roll with meat in a mustard bath. I just gaped at it, appalled, and threw it in the trash. I wrote to Quiznos Corporate with pics of this sandwich. They sent me a $5.00 coupon for a free sandwich, which I gave to a homeless man who sits outside our office building most days. I hope he enjoyed his lunch, because I'm never eating in a Quiznos again.

Shrimp and Crab Casserole

Shrimp and Crab Casserole.

I tried to make a quarter out of 15 cents. I recently purchased, and didn't like, a container of Costco shrimp salad. It wasn't terrible. It just lacked flavor, and they used such large shrimp that it wasn't a dainty enough salad for my taste. I didn't want to throw it out, so I doctored it up as a shrimp and crab casserole which was better than the shrimp salad it started life as, but, not good enough to make again.

I remember reading a blog post, quite some time ago, and I wish I'd bookmarked it so I could give her credit. She was expressing her confusion over the comment "I made a batch of pancakes that were terrible, I can't wait until I eat them all and they are gone, so I can try something else." Her argument was, that when you break down the cost of the ingredients of a batch of basic pancakes, you're talking about $3 at most -- why suffer for days eating something you don't like -- not to mention consume the calories from something you don't like? Arn't you worth more than $3.00?

Sure, sure, I am as mindful about waste as you are, but she did make a good point (better than I'm able to recall, here). If you don't want to eat it, don't. Take it into work, donate it to a neighbor, feed the dog. But don't make something out of sub-par ingredients and expect something extraordinary -- it's a rare and happy event when it works.

Another old adage comes to mind -- don't cook with a wine you wouldn't drink. I ignored that advice and although this casserole was adequate and was a hot meal, I didn't really love it, and it goes down the disposal. Now, I've thrown away much more than just the shrimp salad. Silly!

LAME CASSEROLE

Shrimp Salad
Canned Crabmeat
Almonds
Shallot
Siracha Sauce
Cooked Rice
Half and Half
Cheese
Topped with cracker crumbs

Bake until bubbly. Eat without succor. Toss the rest.

Lame Series: Tartar Sauce

This may be the lamest post ever, but, I can't help it. I'm happy with myself.

I confess. I confess without reservation, that I actually like tartar sauce on fish, and, I like certain kinds of "fish sticks." Not pre-formed frozen sticks of unusual origin and uniformity, but, nice pieces of breaded fish in slender portions, and, I like them with tartar sauce.

What I hate, though, is commercial tartar sauce. It's so gloopy and weird tasting, isn't it? And yet, I keep buying it, trying one after another to find a good one. I recently bought the version at Trader Joe's -- I like most everything they have -- but it was vile. I then settled on whatever brand is most often found at the seafood counter at the grocery store -- Captain's something or other. Equally vile. What is so damn difficult about making a decent jarred tartar sauce?

Frustrated, I decided to make my own, which I really didn't want to do because I didn't need THAT much, but then decided, what the heck, just make a little bit following the standard principles in whatever recipe you find.

Boy, am I an idiot or what? It sounded easy, TOO easy, and I said "That's it? That's all that is in tartar sauce? Seroiusly?" And then I made a small bit of it and just grinned. Finally. A good tartar sauce! I never have to buy that crap again. Am I totally lame because I keep dipping my finger in it and licking my finger? Does this mean I have trailer tastes? So be it.

I adapted a basic recipe I found on AllRecipes and made it "my way" -- which means thin and soupy.

5 spicy bread and butter pickle slices from a jar of pickles
1 large green onion or scallion, including white portion
1/2 lemon, juiced
Best Foods Mayo
Salt and Pepper

Puree pickles, onion, and lemon juice in a little blender cup or mini food processor until very wet and smooth. Stir in a few tablespoons of Best Foods Mayo until it's fully blended and a thin, soupy consistency (or add more mayo if you like it thick but why not then just say it's green flecked mayo?). Add salt and pepper to taste. Let it sit in the fridge as long as possible, preferably all day to blend flavors (or so they recipe advised).

Add to fish. Lick plate, spoon, lid of the jar, and dip finger repeatedly after fish is gone. Wonder if it would be good with dill? Know that it would be good with horseradish. A great base for all things creamy on a sandwich. Marvel that sometimes simple stuff is best kept simple.

Update May 5, 2008: It occurred to me this morning, that tartar sauce, being simply mayo, onion, pickles, and spices ... is the perfect base for making any spreadable salad, especially if I chunk up some celery or capers in it next time (who am I kidding, I seldom use capers). This morning I quickled drained a can of albacore tuna, threw in a few teaspoons of my home made tartar sauce, added a handful of sliced almonds, and I was good to GO! Almost zero prep. If I make a full bullet blender cup of tartar sauce, I can make tuna, salmon, shrimp, egg, crab salad ... anytime, very quickly. Hooray.

Lame Series: Sugar Free Apricot Orange Cake

Sometimes you just want a bite or two of something sweet, and not an enormous or full-sized dessert. Enter "Small Batch Baking" which is really a nifty little cookbook devoted to recipes which make very small quantities of your standard desserts. A recipe which makes 2 oatmeal cookies, or 4 cupcakes, or, this small white layer cake (made sugar free by me), cooked in empty tuna fish cans (I warshed 'em and took the labels off, but left one full can in to show scale). Overall, I've been very pleased with the book, but this entry doesn't do the book justice. It just demonstrates how lame and pitiful I can be.

This dessert classifies as lame because a) I didn't make the frosting. I tried the relatively new Pillsbury Reduced Sugar Icing and it was kinda fake tasting (gee, how shocking); b) I baked it in a toaster oven so it got a little dry; c) I spread no-sugar orange apricot fruit spread inside and made a royal mess; d) I didn't bother covering all the sides but I did manage a quick grating of orange zest to up the gourmet factor. Lame.

Resources: Small Batch Baking Cookbook
Flickr Group: Lots of photos of small batch items that are NOT lame.